So, to recap--after getting the diagnosis of azoospermia we talked about what to do. Do we do the epididymovasostomy with the urologist or do we go straight to IVF? At that time I was terrified of the idea of IVF. It was all so foreign and clinical. "We wanted to get pregnant the "old fashioned" way. So we opted to repair the blockage with the surgery.
The urologist had told us that insurance would most likely pay for the original surgical biopsy. So we felt confident with scheduling the epididymovasostomy. It was just over 18,000 out of pocket and we knew insurance would not pay for this since it was considered elective and infertility. We didn't have any infertility coverage...in fact..most people in the state of North Carolina do not. NC is not one of those states with mandated infertility coverage. What do you do when money stand in the way of the most natural thing in the world: building your family and raising a child? I won't elaborate on our finances, but we were able to get enough money together to do the surgery. It was our only chance. The doctor was very confident. This type of surgery is a microsurgery. It's very very specialized and requires some special skill and good hands. This guy was the surgeon to do it! And like I said before, he was very kind and honest too.
The surgery was September 6, 2009. This time the surgery was at Duke Ambulatory Surgery Center instead of Rex hospital because they had the high powered surgical microscope needed to operate on such tiny parts. Were we nervous? Heck yeah!!! It was a long surgery...We also made plans to harvest sperm that day via TESE just in case it failed. So we made arrangements to transport the specimen to Carolina Conceptions in Raleigh for cryopreservation. It was costly for storage as well but we knew that it meant our potential future. Once my parents left with the specimen to be transported to Carolina Conceptions, I was alone...alone in my thoughts and fears. Yet, I felt so positive. You know how you feel hopeful and positive about something and then you get the worst news. Coming off that high is devestating. That's what happened that day...our world came crumbling down--all of our hopes and all of our money--gone..
The nurse came out of the OR to let me know how things were going. She said they finished one side and he was NOT able to repair that side. There was so much scar tissue. I still remember the raw emotion of that moment in that little side room that said "consultation" on the sign beside the door. It was like all I saw in that moment was blankness as I fell apart--crying---weeping---She hugged me and said there was still hope for the other side. But I just knew in my heart she was wrong and was just saying this to help me. So she left and I stayed in that room off of the waiting room that said "consultation. It was a room with a glass window and glass door but I didn't care. I cried anyway..by myself....praying...fearing the worst...How can we pay to use that sperm from the TESE? What were we thinking using that money for the shallow hope of just trying to get pregnant like everyone else? Did it really matter as long as the end results were the same? The surgeon came out shortly after that...way too soon to have done anything productive. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. He was so incredibly sweet. He hugged me and said he was sorry. He gave me some options for fertility grants. Then he let me back to recovery to see Chris.
When I saw Chris..he was still very out of it. It wasn't like the last surgery where he was awake enough to celebrate that good news we had last time. He was still half asleep. The surgeon told me he probably wont' remember what he tells him but he'll explain anyway. Chris didn't remember. He kept asking me "are you ok?" over and over. Then he'd fall alseep and forget that he asked me and ask me again "are you ok?" He was the one who had his male parts poked and prodded until they were black and blue literally and had a huge incision in a place that would make any normal male cringe to even hear about it. Yet, he wanted to know if I am okay. That was how I knew that he knew but it had not registered with him yet. The ride home from Durham that day was a blur. I had to drive and anyone that knows me know that I don't drive in that area or on interstates or in the insanity of the Triangle. But I did..because I had to. It was the weirdest ride home...nothing made sense. It's like getting the worst news of your life and being at a dead end. There is nowhere to go but up at that point...we hit rock bottom. We didn't even know what to say to one another...there was a dead silence between us...because we felt we had no more hope left. We were going to be childless forever.
We had each other...recovery was very hard and painful for him. He said the emotional toll it took on him made the physical recovery that much harder. The first surgery made him hopeful and he got better fast...this time..not so much. We were both in a lot of pain and felt so alone in our pain. That week he was out of work and recovering was misery for both of us. What are we going to do? How are we going to do it? I was in school at that time--working on a degree that I wasn't sure I wanted anymore. I found a higher calling for myself...and I could attain degree after degree and have the best jobs and be successful. I always was successful in my jobs in the medical field. I gave all that I had to be my best. I could pass grades, keep a 4.0gpa, take care of the house we bought, be thrifty with our money. We could be responsible. Chris was "super tech" at work and always went above and beyond. We could control all of that. But the one thing we couldn't' control was out of reach. The majority of the population can control when they get pregnant and when they don't. They make a conscious decision to start a family and appear happy and successful..but we were happy in our marriage yet couldn't complete our family. This was taken away from us in one day---how do you go on? What do you do when money stands in the way of you achieving what is natural and easy for everyone else?
We refused to let it be the end of our story..no matter what.....
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