multi-faceted infertility

Picking up from last time...I"m going to keep the details of the medical interventions brief because I am ready to share more about my feelings regarding infertility and pregnancy after infertility  as well as Garrett's birthday. Last time I discussed the financial issues with the surgeries and insurance and how we were blessed with having our debt cleared and thus having the money for IVF.

The pain of infertility is multi-faceted but it all comes back to grief. . There's the missing part of your life/marriage, the finances that stand in the way, and then the losses you feel whether from failed cycles, miscarriage, or from it just being financially out of reach. Then you grieve the relationships lost from the sheer fact that people are often clueless, even in the religious community, with how to deal with others grief or they just don't get it so they assume that you must be hyper-inflating these emotions. All of it is painful in it's own way. You are faced with grieving the loss of someone you haven't met yet; that someone you want in your life to complete you and your husband and your marriage and your lives. It's an emptiness that is hard for others to understand. You grieve because of the loss of the baby you dream of. You grieve because even the hope of that baby is out of reach financially. There's a quote I've heard that says "whomever said money cannot buy happiness has never been through IVF to have a baby." It's so true and I know that can go for adoption as well for those who choose that route to parenthood. Then, you grieve because IVF' doesn'tt always work the first time and sometimes they never work for some people..and you know this going into it yet you think you're going to be one of the lucky ones who has it work the first time. Then it fails and you think..well i'm not that special..why would it work for me? You pick up the pieces after the failure...realizing that you fooled yourself believing that it's as easy that one time. Then you grieve again...for embryos that could've been the one that implanted, for what could've been, and for the fact that you were certain you only had one shot with the financial aspect. It's so hard when money stands in the way of what should happen automatically for a happy couple that wants an extension of themselves.

We have said so many times how getting pregnant and having a baby will be life-changing. It really is. But then it's not. I"m a different person because of infertility not because of pregnancy or motherhood by itself.. I have found that real character of people shines through when you need them and they aren't there or are so insecure with themselves that they have no clue how to be there for another person. It's sad too when I've seen this in the church and among Christians that I know. I remember verses about weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. People found it easy to rejoice when I got pregnant but I felt alone in mourning. People run from sadness and mourning because they don't know how to deal with it. I have lost friendships for the better due to infertility but not just because of infertility but because of their own insecurities.. The truth about their character shined through. So, despite my happiness there is some loss there I face. I know that my ladies (and Jason!) in my infertility group on Facebook knows exactly what I'm talking about. You hear so much about how a baby changes everything.....So does the lack of one from infertility. For the few friends I lost on this journey, I have gained over 100 all over the world. Chris and I both changed...I will talk more about that later.

So despite all the hard parts and with trying to find the money to do multiple IVFs and finally being successful after a change in doctors, protocols, treating my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and the extraordinary measures we dealt with in the male factor area of infertility, we have grieved and now we move on...but no one really "moves on" from infertility. You are always infertile...another child won't come easy, the crisis from the past is always part of you. Resolve is the infertility organization that is really kind of a misnomer. Even they know that pregnancy after infertility is not the resolution to infertility in itself and that people resolve in different ways....fertility treatments that succeed, adoption, foster care, or sometimes the difficult choice to life childfree. I strive to advocate for others who face this painful life crisis. Even renowned psychologists say that infertility diagnoses is likened to a cancer diagnoses. In both cases you feel hopeless and the emotions aren't' that different.. Not to minimize cancer because you won't lose your physical life from infertility---well most people won't. (i'll share my scary pre-eclampsia story later)---but it's a huge hopeless situation you never expected to face. You grow, you change, you grieve, you re-group, you pick yourself up and try again. It's about never giving up, deciding what's right for your family building choices, and praying you have the money to not give up. So many families give up because of finances. I look for the day when that's not a problem and all insurance companies recognize it...if not for physical reasons, for mental health purposes as well. Infertility is multifaceted because it's physical but, it's also even to a great degree, emotional.

I have my blessing---but I have my scars. Chris has his. We fought hard to get here. It's not all sunshine and gumdrops because I succeeded with fertility treatments. The future size of my family is already limited and we would have to fight hard again...but just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth it!