DUE DATE

So despite being a traumatic birth, Garrett amazed everyone in the NICU and Special Care nursery. He was so healthy despite being born 9 weeks early. He came off the CPAP just a couple of hours after birth.

He had no medical issues other than some jaundice and the need to grow and be monitored to determine if he had any issues going on. He had one bradycardia event on December 11th but no significant apnea. He also had a tachycardia event about two weeks after he was born, but nothing else during that time in the hospital. He was on the billirubin light for quite a while, came off of it, was put back on it, and then was just on the billi blanket for a while, and then came off of that for good. I was a happy mommy when he came off of that because I could hold him for longer periods of time.He had a feeding tube that he was fed through every three hours. I pumped breast milk for him so that he could have the benefits of the milk.

I didn't get to meet him until the night after he was born and I didn't get to hold him until two days after his birth. I cried and cried because I felt a lot of guilt. Is this what my body did to him? Is this what happens when you do fertility treatments? I questioned a lot of things. I felt like I had done this and this little miracle did not deserve to have to face challenges like this early in life. I cried every time I saw him for several days. It was incredibly hard to see him for the first time but it got better as i understood his medical prognosis and how everything was going for him as he continued to improve.

His growth was amazing. He only had one day that I remember him not having a weight increase. He was 2 pounds 9oz when he was born and dropped down in weight as all babies do right after birth and then went up from there. He was 4 pounds 2 oz when we left the hospital. He was in the NICU from December 3rd when he was born until December 23rd. I was really sooo ready to get to the Special care stepdown unit where we could relax a little more and have more private time with him. It was really nice up there in that unit. I felt like he was being held back on feeds and such by being in NICU a little longer than necessary because we were waiting on a room to open up.

We celebrated Christmas and New Years in the hospital with him. I got to kiss the cutest boy on New Years eve at midnight. Mommy got to do Garrett's first photo session in the hospital. I was so excited when he was able to wear clothes for the first time. He looked so cute all dressed up. Everyone commented on how well dressed he was! We still did Kangaroo care/skin to skin as much as we could also.

On New year's Eve the nurse said we could take him out of the isolette FINALLY and he could be in a hospital bassinet. The difference was amazing. We could hold him more often and snuggle more. We worked on feeding more and he learned how to breastfeed so well. He made such quick progress with that. On new years day, they removed his feeding tube! I was ecstatic to see my baby without all the tape on his face and a tube in his nose.

Finally on January 5th after 34 days in the hospital, our baby got to come home with us! Those days of going to the hospital every day were physically and emotionally taxing..having to leave him every single evening was hard, some days really really hard. We wanted him with us soo badly! Chris came to see him during his lunch breaks and after work as well. It was challenging for both of us. Also our dog wondered why we were coming and going so much and I had a lot of guilt for leaving her so often. I am so happy to be together under one roof!

Today is bittersweet, because it's his due date. I am incredibly grateful that he was born healthy, although early and small. He had some challenges to overcome but overall did wonderful and is still doing wonderful. We are adjusting at home still but feel like we're finally getting into a routine. We are not only celebrating his due date today but also he is two months old today! He celebrated the superbowl yesterday and has graduated out of a majority of his preemie clothes although too small for newborn clothes yet, so it's a challenge finding things that fit without being too big. He is eating well and growing fast. He weighed 5 pounds 10oz last Monday at his doctor appointment.

He is our little miracle. He just wanted to come early. What a wonderful experience it has been to witness what should be occurring in the womb. God truly is amazing at how he has made human life to grow and develop perfectly in the womb..everything working in harmony between mother and baby. I feel incredibly blessed because so many babies that are born even bigger than Garrett but early have problems and his only real problem was being a little guy. I am grateful for infertility because it taught me so many things and I"m grateful for his early birth because myself and Chris and everyone around has had the chance to witness what a real miracle looks like!

Birth Story

 There really should be a law that those who go through infertility struggles should have an easy pregnancy and delivery. I think I'll run that one by congress..because we know they are notorious for getting things done that really matter. Think of the Family Act to help IFers have some infertility credits for IVF. After getting pregnant the hard way, and all the sacrifice, pain, and heartache..and then finally joy...you would think the rest would be easy. I thought I had overcome all the odds. I had no morning sickness, never really showed very much, didn't really even feel pregnant except for the little kicks and punches I"d feel. I could've bet I was gonna have a kickboxer or a Karate black belt when he arrived.

He was also a contortionist. He never would let us see his face very well. We were gonna do a 4d ultrasound but the tech at my doctor's office said it would be a waste of money because he was always contorted and turned away. When I got pregnant I kept telling myself I'd do all the things that I wanna do so that if this is my only pregnancy ever, I won't have regrets. I wanted the gender reveal party that Pinterest couldn't compete with, the best stuff for him--all the convenient baby stuff, and cute personalized items that were the envy of every cute baby. lol. I joked that I had such an easy pregnancy that labor was gonna be like this: my water would break, I'd go to the hospital, be 10cm, push one time, and Viola! there's Garrett! Obviously I knew that wouldn't be true but at least some easy version of labor and delivery. Well that's not even close to how it went.

At 28 weeks I went in to the OB for a routine visit and for my glucose test. I saw a Dr I had never seen before since I had to rotate through all the doctors. Little did they know i'd rotate through all of them at the hospital too. Dr. Stephenson freaked me out..he was like...your BP is high...I really should admit you to the hospital right now. And then he had me lay down, and turn on my side and kept checking my BP. He talked of gestational hypertension and preeclampsia. I didn't process how serious it was and he really scared me. I had to do 24 hour urine collections for protein. They'd come back normal and then be high again. I had to have weekly Non-stress tests and biophysical profiles to make sure Garrett's heart rate was normal, he was still growing, and that the risk outweighed the benefit as far as keeping me pregnant vs. delivering. I was in denial through all of this. There was no way he could be delivered early. I can't have a sick baby or lose my baby because of my own body! I was in so much distress after this point, the bed rest they put me on could've never lowered my bp. The night after I saw Dr. S I cried....no...wept....begging Chris that if anything happened to take care of Garrett and that if he had a choice between being by my side in the hospital and being with Garrett that I wanted him to be with Garrett. It was a scary thought..but the next morning I thought I must've sounded ridiculous and that I was panicking too much. But little did I know we'd be in this same scary place two and a half weeks later.

All of the NST tests and BPP tests were coming back ok. Garrett was looking good. I was personally concerned even before the doctors were that he was only in the 15% percentile. They'd tell us it's because we are not big people and that it's normal and ok. I just worried over this for weeks because I knew this around 26 weeks when I saw the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at ECU for a fetal thyroid scan due to my own hashimotos. I was the only person worried about this. I chronicled the clincal aspects of the whole event. My memories were foggy. Chris took notes on the Ipad to help us look back and know he we talked to etc. They put me on magnesium sulfate to prevent me from having a stroke or having seizures. It also made me very narcoleptic and have weird memories from going in and out of a state of sleep. I'd forget things and remember them after coming home from the hospital. I was traumatized by the whole thing because of the pain and the fear and all the people coming and going into my room...specialist after specialist. I wrote down the details of the whole thing shortly after discharge so that I could remember things. There were people who visited me and phone calls that I had that I remembered later. Facebook helped me figure out things too..like who came by and who I talked to. It was very strange to be what appears to be lucid and not remember what you said and then remember it later.

Friday 11/29: Went to ER due to concerns of high blood pressure. My home cuff would not give a reading. I felt stupid for even going and scared they were going to admit me for nothing. Supposedly my 24hour urine turned in on thanksgiving day was normal, however, I find out later they ran it incorrectly.

Admitted for observation per Dr. Taft. Was in the side A triage room 113. Started IV after several attempts. The Emergency response team had to be called to start IV. Chris leaves at 330 am (11/30) to go check on Angel and that is also when I started the 24 hour urine test.I was upset at having to be at the hospital. I wanted my easy pregnancy back. I wanted to be at home with my fur baby and I was tired of being stuck with needles already. I was given Ambien to sleep that night and hated how it made me feel.

Saturday 11/30: BP is still high and I am still doing a 24 hour urine collection. Urine protein was very high and they officially admitted me to 1West antepartum unit room 135 after Dr. Taft came in to see me. Regina was my nurse. Dr Taft set parameters for BP to call him if over 180/100s. My urine test ended at 350am on Sunday.

Sunday 12/1: We were in observation at 1West with fluctuating BPs. Was on lebetalol for BP. I was given first steroid shot to mature Garrett’s lungs .Delivery was imminent but they were trying to hold off on it as long as possible while giving me the steroid shot. I also had a chest xray because I was having trouble breathing.

Mon 12/2: 9:25am was given 2^nd hydralazine shot given by Sarah RN per Dr. Stephenson. BP 193/93 pulse 64. 10:05am bp taken again and was 178/92 pulse 101. 10:30am Dr. Stephenson suggested we may need to deliver baby. 10:45 we were moved to L and D room 123. Started on Magnesium Sulfate by Allyson RN. 1100am got 2^nd IV by Emergency response team because the one the mag sulfate was put into was not functioning. I was in a lot of pain from the mag going into an IV in a strange place in my shoulder as they had blown out so many veins. 115 Dr. Stephenson came in and he gave more hydralazine to try to get BP under control. While we were waiting for Dr. Livingston MFM to come in Dr. Stephenson did Biophysical profile ultrasound in room for 30 minutes to get Garrett to move. It took the whole half hour to get him to move at 1:25pm. At 3:15pm Dr. Tracey Forrest came in for Dr. Livingston (3^rd year resident). She did exam and said she would consult with Dr. Livingston and convey what is going on. Dr. Livingston  came by and said he felt I would deliver with in the week. I had severe preeclampsia very early in pregnancy and the baby was IUGR (intrauterine growth restricted). 4:30pm Chris left to go home to check on Angel. I was moved back to antepartum unit in room 123. Joe and Rebecca brought me dinner. At 9:00pm Chris came back and I was put on a saline drip to help keep IV open. BP was 188/106. I had a severe headache and nausea. Dr Whitley gave me ambien, morphine, and zofran. I was able to sleep by midnight.  Also sometime that night I was given 2^nd steroid shot.

Tues: 12/3: At 730am Dr. Whitley came in and told us we were in the balancing act. How and when we deliver will be based on symptom markers. High BP, liver panel etc. At 8:00am Dr. Newton came in and ordered an ultrasound to see how Garrett is doing. He also wanted to order and echocardiogram on me to make sure I didn’t have any heart conditions. At 9:25 we had a visit from the pharmacist techs and was put on Procardia. At 930 we had an NST and at 9:55, the ECU ultrasound tech came and we went back to side A to get the ultrasound. Garrett got a 6/8 score. At 10:30 my BP was 216/127. At 11:30 I had another NST and hydrallize was admininstered. BP was 165/99. Pulse 79. Dr. Newton came in and said we are going to have to deliver your baby. They moved me to labor and delivery room 120. Chris tried to call my mom to tell her. Dr Whitley came in and explained the plan and consented me. I don't even remember signing the consent forms. They put me on pitocin to see if I could handle a regular induction and if Garrett could handle it. I never felt a contraction and they kept asking me if I was feeling anything. However; his heart rate was decelerating with the pitocin. I began throwing up. They told me they were going to have to do a c-section. At about 230 I was getting prepped for the OR. Chris couldn’t come back but they got anesthesia to put in a spinal block. I was crying hard by this time..scared to death for what may happen and what we may see that day. Dr Whitley was wonderful. She held me while I cried and while they administered the spinal block. The spinal block was scary when my legs go so heavy. Chris came into the OR and was told where he could put his hands behind the drape. Garrett was delivered at 2:58pm and the NiCU team got him breathing and on CPAP. Chris took some pictures and they took some pictures for Chris with Rebecca’s phone since we did not have a camera on us and were not prepared for pictures.  About 15-20 minutes later they finished sewing me up and brought a bed in and slid me onto the stretcher and moved me to recovery. Carla was my nurse. I was still on magnesium and do not remember recovery at all. Lactation consultants came in (I don’t’ remember this). Chris went back to the room while I was in recovery and Joe and Rebecca and my mom was there. Chris did not know any stats on the baby at this point and was trying figure out how to share pictures from Rebecca’s phone. Chris went back to recovery room to be with me. Dr Chang came in and told Chris that Garrett is doing well and is on the CPAP and is breathing on his own and weighed 1150 grams and was 15 ½ inches. Chris asked when he can go see him and Dr. Chang said he could go now and I told Chris to go and take my mom with him. Chris goes to get my mom and gives the stats of the baby and explains what Dr. Chang explained about the limitations to go back into the NICU. He and my mom go down to NICU and see Garrett. He also talked to Dr. Buckwald, his neonatologist and took some pix and video. He went back to Joe and Rebecca and took Rebecca back. Chris went back to recovery to check on me and tell me about Garrett.  Chris stayed with me and I was out of recovery and in l&d room 120. BP was still high and they gave me meds. I was still on magnesium. Dr. Gay came in and assessed me and released me to have a light diet and no longer NPO (about 8pm).( I ate a whole slice of pumpkin pie Chris had in the fridge at L and D haha). The thirst that magesium causes is EXTREME. I cannot describe how thirsty it made me feel. I was under observation for BP on 1west. I was to stay on the magnesium until the next morning. I was also on the compression machines (on my legs--whatever you call them). I had a panic attack from feeling confined that night. I was having trouble moving and in pain and the compression things on my legs made me feel claustrophobic. They took them off to give me a break to calm down. That was very scary. I just got to the point where I couldn't take it any longer. 

Wednesday 12/4: I was taken off magnesium early in the morning. At 430am they woke me and took the compression machines off of my legs and took off the magnesium. Brooke was my nurse. My BP had normalized by then on only the procardia. Afterall, the only cure for preeclampsia is delivering the baby. My body was getting back to normal already. They moved me to 1west and made me get up out of the bed. I was in a lot of pain. It took a lot out of me. Chris came back from home and I was in the new location by later that morning (i don't remember?) Chris helped me shower and removed my bandages. I was too scared to look down or remove the bandages. Talk about a humbling expereince...having my husband do all this for me was not something I wanted but I felt so very well taken care of by him. Susan was my nurse that day and she was wonderful. I was still very out of it from the magnesium and was not able to go see Garrett yet.It made me really dizzy and loopy. I admit I was very scared of what I would see and how I would feel, even though I'd see pictures and Chris had spent time down there several times.

Thursday 12/5: Dr. Haskins came by and told me I had to walk the unit 3 times that day and to walk part way to NICU also. She wanted me to move around and start healing. I was determined to get better...I had no choice...i had a baby in the NICU that needed me. I finally got to meet Garrett that day. I will share all about that in my next post.  The feelings are very extensive and hard to describe. I also was able to finally communicate with people who had called, facebooked, and texted me as Chris was overwhelmed with text messages and caring for our dog at home and being with Garrett when I couldn’t be.I was still dizzy and nauseous from the magnesium leaving my system but I also refused to take percocet anymore after being really sleepy that day. I didn't want anything else messing up my ability to see Garrett.

Friday: 12/6 I walked to NICU 3 times on my own. I got to spend time with Garrett. I was able to be discharged late Friday night. 

That pretty much covers all the details of the birth and hospital stay. I was very traumatized by the whole experience. i know lots of people have been through a similar expereince but some of them haven't fought as hard as we did to get pregnant in the first place. The c-section itself was no big deal as far as healing goes. I was fine physically...it was the post traumatic stress that made healing hard. I had lots of questions and blaming myself for the way my little tiny miracle had to come into the world. People in my life didn't get it either...i went through something that was way different than normal and typical. I was terrified going through all of that and confused about how I had to have my baby separated from my body in a way that was never planned and the fear of what I would see when he was born. We are so blessed but that's only because God made that happen because it could've been so much worse than it was. Going home and being discharged was just as hard. I asked this question that night---how do you leave half of your heart at the hospital to go home? Everything seemed different after 8 days in the hospital--i forgot that it was Christmas. It was all very surreal riding home in that car that night-- to see Christmas lights and see my tree when I got home. Was I supposed to feel happy or sad? Was I supposed to celebrate or be terrified. I was more scared.Most people get to have a baby, hold them and celebrate and breast feed immediately. I had a baby 3 days prior to coming home and yet didn't feel like it even happened. I couldn't feel him moving in my belly anymore and he was still supposed to be there. I cried a lot that night. Everything was so strange and different. My whole life changed in an instant.The contortionist that wouldn't show his face on ultrasound showed us his face in person.

more tomorrow....

multi-faceted infertility

Picking up from last time...I"m going to keep the details of the medical interventions brief because I am ready to share more about my feelings regarding infertility and pregnancy after infertility  as well as Garrett's birthday. Last time I discussed the financial issues with the surgeries and insurance and how we were blessed with having our debt cleared and thus having the money for IVF.

The pain of infertility is multi-faceted but it all comes back to grief. . There's the missing part of your life/marriage, the finances that stand in the way, and then the losses you feel whether from failed cycles, miscarriage, or from it just being financially out of reach. Then you grieve the relationships lost from the sheer fact that people are often clueless, even in the religious community, with how to deal with others grief or they just don't get it so they assume that you must be hyper-inflating these emotions. All of it is painful in it's own way. You are faced with grieving the loss of someone you haven't met yet; that someone you want in your life to complete you and your husband and your marriage and your lives. It's an emptiness that is hard for others to understand. You grieve because of the loss of the baby you dream of. You grieve because even the hope of that baby is out of reach financially. There's a quote I've heard that says "whomever said money cannot buy happiness has never been through IVF to have a baby." It's so true and I know that can go for adoption as well for those who choose that route to parenthood. Then, you grieve because IVF' doesn'tt always work the first time and sometimes they never work for some people..and you know this going into it yet you think you're going to be one of the lucky ones who has it work the first time. Then it fails and you think..well i'm not that special..why would it work for me? You pick up the pieces after the failure...realizing that you fooled yourself believing that it's as easy that one time. Then you grieve again...for embryos that could've been the one that implanted, for what could've been, and for the fact that you were certain you only had one shot with the financial aspect. It's so hard when money stands in the way of what should happen automatically for a happy couple that wants an extension of themselves.

We have said so many times how getting pregnant and having a baby will be life-changing. It really is. But then it's not. I"m a different person because of infertility not because of pregnancy or motherhood by itself.. I have found that real character of people shines through when you need them and they aren't there or are so insecure with themselves that they have no clue how to be there for another person. It's sad too when I've seen this in the church and among Christians that I know. I remember verses about weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. People found it easy to rejoice when I got pregnant but I felt alone in mourning. People run from sadness and mourning because they don't know how to deal with it. I have lost friendships for the better due to infertility but not just because of infertility but because of their own insecurities.. The truth about their character shined through. So, despite my happiness there is some loss there I face. I know that my ladies (and Jason!) in my infertility group on Facebook knows exactly what I'm talking about. You hear so much about how a baby changes everything.....So does the lack of one from infertility. For the few friends I lost on this journey, I have gained over 100 all over the world. Chris and I both changed...I will talk more about that later.

So despite all the hard parts and with trying to find the money to do multiple IVFs and finally being successful after a change in doctors, protocols, treating my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and the extraordinary measures we dealt with in the male factor area of infertility, we have grieved and now we move on...but no one really "moves on" from infertility. You are always infertile...another child won't come easy, the crisis from the past is always part of you. Resolve is the infertility organization that is really kind of a misnomer. Even they know that pregnancy after infertility is not the resolution to infertility in itself and that people resolve in different ways....fertility treatments that succeed, adoption, foster care, or sometimes the difficult choice to life childfree. I strive to advocate for others who face this painful life crisis. Even renowned psychologists say that infertility diagnoses is likened to a cancer diagnoses. In both cases you feel hopeless and the emotions aren't' that different.. Not to minimize cancer because you won't lose your physical life from infertility---well most people won't. (i'll share my scary pre-eclampsia story later)---but it's a huge hopeless situation you never expected to face. You grow, you change, you grieve, you re-group, you pick yourself up and try again. It's about never giving up, deciding what's right for your family building choices, and praying you have the money to not give up. So many families give up because of finances. I look for the day when that's not a problem and all insurance companies recognize it...if not for physical reasons, for mental health purposes as well. Infertility is multifaceted because it's physical but, it's also even to a great degree, emotional.

I have my blessing---but I have my scars. Chris has his. We fought hard to get here. It's not all sunshine and gumdrops because I succeeded with fertility treatments. The future size of my family is already limited and we would have to fight hard again...but just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth it!

Make a new plan....

So the results of the surgery were devastating. We felt completely hopeless and unsure of our future. How could this happen? We've been responsible and prepared for having a family for a long time. We had a house with a room that was supposed to be the nursery..now I couldn't even go in that room. In fact I rarely ever went in that room or opened the door to it. It was too saddening. We had sperm cryopreserved but the dream of having a family was very far out of reach. How would we afford IVF? The surgery was very expensive and all out of pocket.

We took another HUGE financial hit when our insurance company that paid for the first surgery decided that since it was an infertility based biopsy they would reverse payment on the entire surgery. So we owed Rex Hospital, the anesthesiologist, and the urologist 100% of two surgeries. We had paid for the second surgery when the first surgery was paid for by insurance and all copays and deductibles were met. So we were being responsible. Our insurance company betrayed us..or so we felt. I was contemplating quitting school at that point. After all, all i really wanted to be was a stay at home mom. That wasn't happening so I may as well be working instead of going to school for the hopes of a job after graduation. I was at rock bottom. I spent days on the phone with insurance and with the billing coordinator at the urologist's office. It was hours and hours of phone calls. The billing coordinator was wonderful. She sent letters of medical necessity and spent hours on the phone with the insurance company too. She listened to me vent about all of it and how heartbroken we were. This stranger on the other end of the phone became my friend and ally in that dark time.

I was at a standstill as far as what to do. I was beginning my first semester of my internship at a local elementary school. It was January 2010. Another year was beginning. People always gave the spiel about how great and hopeful a new year is and we sat at home feeling lost. On my first day of my internship I went in..begrudgingly. I had a very awesome school and clinical teacher, but I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. I remember that day..I got home and felt like I had no idea what to do. At that time, we were using our answering machine on our printer combo machine and it was upstairs in the guest room. So anytime we checked messages we had to go upstairs to listen. That day I got home and kicked off my shoes. My feet hurt from standing and I remember thinking this: There's probably not a message important enough for me to walk upstairs to check the machine. After a few minutes I talked myself into checking the messages. It was the insurance coordinator from the urologist's office. I really did not want to call her back. I was burned out from the daily back and forth between her and insurance. Plus it was nearly 5:00. I really hate calling someone near 5:00 because they rarely answer their phone and let it go to voicemail. Much to my surprise, she did pick up her phone.And the next thing she said came unexpected.

 She said, "I have some good news for you." She said..Dr. S said you have paid him enough money and he's writing off the rest of your account!!!!" I immediately went to tears. Then the billing coordinator went to tears too. We both cried and thanked Jesus for such a wonderful blessing. She told me she was so happy I called her before 5:00. (I called her at 4:55). I also received a refund for $6000 which was the portion of the second surgery we had paid for that he was unable to complete due to the scar tissue. Between that and our income tax refund that year we had enough to do IVF. I felt a HUGE sense of relief. I called Chris crying. He thought something was wrong. I couldn't compose myself. I was truly touched by Dr. S's generosity. He was always so kind and compassionate to us and this was a wonderful blessing.

Later on that week it occurred to me that maybe we won't be able to have enough to do IVF. If insurance reversed payment to the urologist then they reversed payment for the surgical fees for the hospital also. The hospital bill was even bigger. However, time went by and to this day we never saw a bill from them. I don't know if Dr. S did something to clear us of that debt to Rex also or what but it was very supernatural. The debt was gone, just like that. After all the blood, sweat, and tears to get to this point..our debt was paid. This always reminded me of our debt for sin and how it was paid by Jesus. He said..your account is clear! I truly knew what that meant that day!

more surgery...

So, to recap--after getting the diagnosis of azoospermia we talked about what to do. Do we do the epididymovasostomy with the urologist or do we go straight to IVF? At that time I was terrified of the idea of IVF. It was all so foreign and clinical. "We wanted to get pregnant the "old fashioned" way. So we opted to repair the blockage with the surgery.

The urologist had told us that insurance would most likely pay for the original surgical biopsy. So we felt confident with scheduling the epididymovasostomy. It was just over 18,000 out of pocket and we knew insurance would not pay for this since it was considered elective and infertility. We didn't have any infertility coverage...in fact..most people in the state of North Carolina do not. NC is not one of those states with mandated infertility coverage. What do you do when money stand in the way of the most natural thing in the world: building your family and raising a child? I won't elaborate on our finances, but we were able to get enough money together to do the surgery. It was our only chance. The doctor was very confident. This type of surgery is a microsurgery. It's very very specialized and requires some special skill and good hands. This guy was the surgeon to do it! And like I said before, he was very kind and honest too.

The surgery was September 6, 2009. This time the surgery was at Duke Ambulatory Surgery Center instead of Rex hospital because they had the high powered surgical microscope needed to operate on such tiny parts. Were we nervous? Heck yeah!!! It was a long surgery...We also made plans to harvest sperm that day via TESE just in case it failed. So we made arrangements to transport the specimen to Carolina Conceptions in Raleigh for cryopreservation. It was costly for storage as well but we knew that it meant our potential future. Once my parents left with the specimen to be transported to Carolina Conceptions, I was alone...alone in my thoughts and fears. Yet, I felt so positive. You know how you feel hopeful and positive about something and then you get the worst news. Coming off that high is devestating. That's what happened that day...our world came crumbling down--all of our hopes and all of our money--gone..

The nurse came out of the OR to let me know how things were going. She said they finished one side and he was NOT able to repair that side. There was so much scar tissue. I still remember the raw emotion of that moment in that little side room that said "consultation" on the sign beside the door. It was like all I saw in that moment was blankness as I fell apart--crying---weeping---She hugged me and said there was still hope for the other side. But I just knew in my heart she was wrong and was just saying this to help me. So she left and I stayed in that room off of the waiting room that said "consultation. It was a room with a glass window and glass door but I didn't care. I cried anyway..by myself....praying...fearing the worst...How can we pay to use that sperm from the TESE? What were we thinking using that money for the shallow hope of just trying to get pregnant like everyone else? Did it really matter as long as the end results were the same? The surgeon came out shortly after that...way too soon to have done anything productive. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. He was so incredibly sweet. He hugged me and said he was sorry. He gave me some options for fertility grants. Then he let me back to recovery to see Chris.

When I saw Chris..he was still very out of it. It wasn't like the last surgery where he was awake enough to celebrate that good news we had last time. He was still half asleep. The surgeon told me he probably wont' remember what he tells him but he'll explain anyway. Chris didn't remember. He kept asking me "are you ok?" over and over. Then he'd fall alseep and forget that he asked me and ask me again "are you ok?" He was the one who had his male parts poked and prodded until they were black and blue literally and had a huge incision in a place that would make any normal male cringe to even hear about it. Yet, he wanted to know if I am okay. That was how I knew that he knew but it had not registered with him yet. The ride home from Durham that day was a blur. I had to drive and anyone that knows me know that I don't drive in that area or on interstates or in the insanity of the Triangle. But I did..because I had to. It was the weirdest ride home...nothing made sense. It's like getting the worst news of your life and being at a dead end. There is nowhere to go but up at that point...we hit rock bottom. We didn't even know what to say to one another...there was a dead silence between us...because we felt we had no more hope left. We were going to be childless forever.

We had each other...recovery was very hard and painful for him. He said the emotional toll it took on him made the physical recovery that much harder. The first surgery made him hopeful and he got better fast...this time..not so much. We were both in a lot of pain and felt so alone in our pain. That week he was out of work and recovering was misery for both of us. What are we going to do? How are we going to do it? I was in school at that time--working on a degree that I wasn't sure I wanted anymore. I found a higher calling for myself...and I could attain degree after degree and have the best jobs and be successful. I always was successful in my jobs in the medical field. I gave all that I had to be my best. I could pass grades, keep a 4.0gpa, take care of the house we bought, be thrifty with our money. We could be responsible. Chris was "super tech" at work and always went above and beyond. We could control all of that. But the one thing we couldn't' control was out of reach. The majority of the population can control when they get pregnant and when they don't. They make a conscious decision to start a family and appear happy and successful..but we were happy in our marriage yet couldn't complete our family.  This was taken away from us in one day---how do you go on? What do you do when money stands in the way of you achieving what is natural and easy for everyone else?

We refused to let it be the end of our story..no matter what.....

The infertility journey-part 1

I thought I would start my sharing our Infertility (IF) journey. I will try to explain the abbreviations as I go. Us IFers (infertiles) have a lot of abbreviations we use in conversation that some people may not understand.

Our journey begins in 2008 when we decided to TTC (try to conceive). It was an exciting time filled with hope.I was one of those people who wanted to be totally ready to have kids. People always gave me the one liner "you'll never be ready, you just do it." I guess I sometimes wondered why I didn't have that maternal desire yet. We had been married since 2001. I thought something was wrong with me. Then people around us started getting pg (pregnant) and it clicked that i wanted that too. We were so excited. We actually got to "try" to ttc for a whole two months before we found out the diagnosis.

 I shared my hubby's medical history with my obgyn. She ordered a SA (semen analysis) that came back with some really bad results. We were devastated. Chris had a childhood illness that essentially caused him to be azoospermic (no sperm in the semen). It was the worst news we could've ever expected and the beginning of the most painful journey of our lives.

 Infertility affects 1 in 8 people in this country, yet it is not recognized my a strikingly huge majority of insurance companies. In fact our insurance paperwork has a section heading for infertility/fertility and the only thing under that heading is that it covers 100% of a vasectomy or tubal ligation. It also states that it covers 100% of birth control with no copay. Why is it that every thing is covered at 90% after deductible except that? . Keeping people from having babies is priority in the insurance industry. There is certainly some history there in our society that I will cover another day. With the abortion industry being made a bigger deal than obstetrics and peds, Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger and all of her history in this area, and the feminist movement,  all of it plain makes me sick. I could write days of blog posts on this. There is a great lie that the world is overpopulated already. I don't think God, the author of human life and creator of this world, is concerned with overpopulation. The concept of population control is not a new thing...think Hitler and his ethnic cleansing propaganda and subsquent genocide of innocent peoples. Anyway--I'll save all that for another day. In a nutshell, insurance is all part of the red tape bureaucracy that is involved with contracting with employers to determine what they want to cover while also being "in bed" with lobbyists and politicians. It's not pretty and not clean. Money is clean...you pay cash for something you usually are gonna get what you pay for and then some. Everything involving infertility has been paid 100% out of pocket by Chris and I. It's really difficult when money stands in the way of a dream the other 7 out of 8 people get to experience just by sleeping together at the right time to make a baby.

So after seeing a couple of urologists in Feb 2009 we found a super guy in Raleigh. He was confident Chris has a blockage and he could have a surgical biopsy to find out. If he did we had two options...harvest the sperm and do IVF or have a Epididymovasostomy which is the equivalent of what a man has when he regrets his vasectomy and wants it reversed. When a guy has a Vasectomy, the cut in the Vas Deferens is what causes the sperm to be cut off from expulsion during sex When a vasectomy is reversed, they reconnect the Vas. So, a blockage can be repaired by cutting the Vas and reconnecting it to a patent (open) tubule. This urologist is one of the few docs who does this in the state. Not only was he talented, he was kind and honest. He felt confident this could be done if necessary. We scheduled the surgical biopsy at Rex hospital. This was done under general anesthesia and the doc was certain insurance would cover such a procedure. So we opted to do it on May 22, 2009. Just to explain what Chris went through---they cut about a 1 inch incision in the scrotum to access the testicles and biopsy them. This is PAINFUL. Any guy knows that this area is sensitive and painful anyway. And to a guy something like this is devastating. The pathology report showed normal spermatogenesis--sperm production. When Chris was in recovery after the biopsy, I went to find a bathroom to cry...tears of joy, of course but i just was so relieved I had to cry. Then I went to the gift shop and I bought him a card to take to him to tell him the good news that the urologist shared with me. I couldn't decide what kind of card to get. What do you get and what do you write? Congrats on the swimmers? Get well soon? So I got him a "congratulations on your new baby" card. LOL! He thought that was funny! But he cried...and the nurse saw him and was offered pain meds..he said.."no i'm not in pain." We both cried that day. It was a major victory in our story--but the peaks and valleys were yet to come.  So, we opted to schedule the Epididymovasostomy to repair the blockage-----



In my next blog I'll tell this part of the story---

Survivor's guilt

I have decided to start a blog that not only shares my stories of infertility and time in the NICU and the joys and scary moments of giving birth to my son Garrett, but to share new milestones and my thoughts on parenthood and feelings about various issues.

One thing about getting pregnant after infertility is what is termed “survivors guilt.” I admin a Facebook group of women and one man (hi Jason!) I originally joined this group when added by a friend who was in a similar place in life. I later was given an admin position and now currently admin with two other lovely women. I feel kind of bad that I’ve been a little out of the loop lately. I try really hard to keep up as much as I possibly can. It is a challenge right now but I promise to keep on being there. It’s hard when you want your friends to have the same gift you’ve been given. I feel so incredibly blessed to have gotten pregnant after infertility and learned so much through the journey. Infertility has defined me over the last 5 years. It has made me a better person. I know you are wondering if I wish I had never been through infertility and pregnancy had come easy…and honestly….in talking to my hubby, Chris, we both feel like we are grateful for this journey. GRATEFUL??? I must be crazy to be grateful for this trial, huh? James 1 in the Bible says: ²

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I never understood this verse. Who would consider a trial a joyous thing? Well, now I understand. It has certainly matured our walks with Christ and has helped us find out more about ourselves, what we believe, why we do certain things, and even has prompted us to ask a lot of questions. I will get into some of those another day but it has been a rollercoaster ride of tears, trauma, and heartbreak that ends with joy and new beginnings. I feel blessed to have not gotten the “easy” way out of infertility. So, to those who have been touched by infertility, I encourage you to think of this verse. Think of your marriage and how much stronger it will be. There is absolutely no one on Earth I’d rather have gone through all of this with than with Chris. He has been amazing! I am so lucky to have married such a strong man!

To read more about survivors guilt: http://www.theafa.org/blog/surviving-the-guilt-of-infertility/

 and pregnancy after infertility and the emotions involved: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/pregnancy-after-infertility/

Also I have to add that the survivor’s guilt is in no way because of the people in my group but my own desire to see them succeed. They have been amazing. I have received so many gifts and cards since Garrett was born. They are the sweetest, kind, heartfelt people. It would be easy for them to be bitter or jealous but they have been just amazing! Love ya’ll!